im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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