Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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