loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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