This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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