when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
