My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
