Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize