imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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