Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
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