I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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