he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
