Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
