i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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