Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
