Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
