I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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