If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
nutella sex= disaster
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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