fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
