Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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