Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
