whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think my vagina is haunted
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
