I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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