In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
