You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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