I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i think im in europe. pls send help
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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