Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Randomize
