I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
