Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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