having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
