i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
