the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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