Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
