my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
