hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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