I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
