happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
