Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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