my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
