Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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