the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
