Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
