i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
