No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
