just tell him i said nine months
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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