Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Randomize
