There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
