Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
