And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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