Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
