I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
