Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
