We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
