You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I am one with the molecules
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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