I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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