is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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