dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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