apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
