when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
